


Shutting down

by LightsUpInTheNorth



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy is a crier, Fluff, Hurt and comfort, I always make Billy cry but he's fine don't worry, M/M, Steve buries his feelings, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25092511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightsUpInTheNorth/pseuds/LightsUpInTheNorth
Summary: Billy is a crier, and Steve wishes he was one, too. But he couldn’t be farther from it.Even when he is extremely upset, he doesn’t shed a single tear.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 4
Kudos: 128





	Shutting down

Billy is a crier. Steve finds out even before they become friends.

He notices how shiny Billy’s eyes are when he apologizes for hurting him during that fateful night at the Byers’ house.

Despite the darkness of his living-room, he sees the tears rolling down Billy’s cheeks when they watch The Outsiders.

The closer they get, the more often Billy cries around Steve. When he’s had a fight with his shitty father, when he regrets getting angry at Max, or at Steve himself, for no valid reason, when he’s tired, or frustrated, or feeling hopeless.

Billy cries a lot.

And, at first, it’s hard to deal with for Steve, because he’s not used to seeing people cry. He doesn’t know how to handle tears, how to handle such blatant sorrow, because he’s learnt to bury his own feelings early on in life.

But he learns, for Billy. It turns out to be easier than he thought it would be. All Billy wants is a shoulder to cry on, and Steve is more than willing to offer his. And the knots in his stomach, caused by the sight of a distressed Billy, loosen a little once he understands that crying actually makes Billy feel better, that it gives his emotions an outlet.

Steve wishes he could do that to. Express his emotions. He wishes he was a crier. But he couldn’t be farther from it.

Even when he is extremely upset, he doesn’t shed a single tear.

Instead, Steve’s body ‘deals’ with strong negative emotions by shutting down. It just quits on functioning. Thankfully, it’s generally not an instant reaction. When something really bad happens, adrenaline gets Steve going until he gets somewhere quiet, somewhere private, and then he just collapses and stays immobile for hours on end.

When he’s upset about little things, he keeps it bottled in until the bottle is full and ‘shut down’ mode activates itself. It’s hard to predict: Steve can’t always tell when he’s going to reach breaking point, and sometimes the smallest thing can make him wilt.

Some days, he goes back to his empty house thinking he’s alright, and then as soon as the door closes behind him, he slides down it until he reaches the floor and proceeds to stare into space for a small eternity.

It’s as if his body were giving up, but not so much so that it forgets about keeping up with pretenses. God forbids anyone sees Steve in such an undignified state. His parents’ numerous precepts concerning proper behavior have been drilled into Steve to the point of conditioning even his breakdowns, it seems.

Steve can’t keep this to himself anymore once Billy and he move in together, though. Now Steve has nowhere left to go in order to shut down away from view. He still tries though: the first time he shuts down while living with Billy, he goes to the bathroom and locks the door right before it happens. Evidently, it is a terrible idea.

Indeed, after a while, Billy knocks on the door and asks him if he is okay. When Steve doesn’t answer, he justifiably starts freaking out, and warns that he is going to come in, even if he has “to destroy the fucking door with an axe like in The Shining”. They have no axe, but Steve can’t point that out because his vocal cords and mouth are out of order, as the rest of his body is.

Billy doesn’t need an axe, in the end. He just body slams the door like a madman.

“Steve, what the fuck? Are you okay?” He asks, kneeling down on the tiled floor and looming over Steve’s prostrate body.

Steve doesn’t react, he doesn’t even blink, as Billy presses two fingers to the pulse in his neck.

“Fuck, what’s wrong with you? Should I call 911? Steve?” Billy sounds more and more distressed, and then he starts crying.

It seems to be enough for Steve to regain control of his limbs. Steve’s boyfriend breaking the door of their bathroom down wasn’t enough for his body to start functioning again, but this is? It seems a bit illogical, but Steve doesn’t make the rules.

As Billy tries to get up, maybe to indeed call 911, Steve grips his wrist loosely, and mutters he’s fine.

“Damn, you sure didn’t seem fine a second ago.”

Steve has to explain, then. He has no other option. Billy doesn’t interrupt until Steve is done describing how he ‘deals’ with his feelings, and then he just asks.

“When you get like that… would touching you help? Would it make it worse? Do you want me to call someone who knows how to calm you down or? I don’t know, tell me if there is anything I can do.”

Steve blushes.

“Uh… well I don’t exactly know… I’ve only ever gone through it on my own so…”

“Oh… Would it be okay if I tried to comfort you, next time?”

Steve considers how he reacted to the tears Billy spilt over him earlier.

“Yeah… I think it might help.”

“Good… Can I hug you… I mean, now?”

Steve nods and suddenly his arms are full of Billy, who starts crying again a few seconds later.

Steve starts caressing his hair, because it’s usually a very efficient way to comfort him.

“I should be the one comforting you right now.” Billy says in between sobs.

“You are.” Steve replies.

And it’s true. Taking care of Billy is comforting, in a way.

“I was so scared, Steve.”

“I know… I’m sorry, I should have mentioned that whole thing at some point.”

“I mean… yeah. A warning would have been nice. At least I would have known you were probably not having a stroke.”

Steve winces.

“I forgive you though.”

“How generous.” he quips.

“I know, right? You’re lucky I love you.”

Steve sighs. Billy is lucky Steve loves him, too, the unsufferable bastard.

“I love you too.” He replies.

Steve can’t ever not say “I love you” back to him. He has to say it back, always. It’s some sort of undisclosed obligation.

Billy hugs him tighter and Steve could swear he’s smiling through his tears.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this little thing :)
> 
> I'm on Tumblr: https://lightsupinthenorth.tumblr.com/ you can send me asks or messages, I love getting those ;)


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